I am not that person anymore!
Despite whichever club you might belong to or which program gave you a clean sober path to walk down. From time to time, a memory will surface that will stop you dead in your tracks. With nine years of sobriety under my belt. It is hard to understand after all this time how this can still be happening. After all the step work and after all the amends I have made! After all the times I embarrassingly faced another human being and admitted all the f@cked up sh*t I did! How can this still be happening? It always comes when least expected! Perhaps driving in the car, or taking a shower, or buying the kid an ice cream. Then suddenly, without warning, a memory from the past flows into my brain like a foreign object. Horrific images race across the mental movie screen in my head. With significant impact, all of the emotions start to flow into my body—Anger, Sorrow, Sadness, Regret, Remorse, and finally, Bewilderment. Then my inner voice starts calling out the questions one by one! Like a lawyer on cross-examination! How could you? Why would you? Why did I do that?
I stop, take a deep breath, and then tell myself, "I am not that person anymore"! I repeat myself, "I am not that person anymore"! With determination, I state, "I am not that person anymore! I am not the person that steals from those who trust me!
I am not someone who leaves a kid in a car when going into a dealer's house to front more shit I cannot afford! I am just not that person anymore! My addiction caused a lot of trauma. Not only to those who I wrong but also to myself. Here is the thing that I realize and want to pass on. This is part of the process, and this is something we must go through in order to heal. So if you find yourself facing haunting memories from the past. I would encourage you first to say, "I am not that person anymore". Then I would recommend that you speak up and share those thoughts. Here is the thing, you do not have to go it alone, and you certainly do not have to get into specifics. I am sure you will find others that have or are experiencing the very same thing. As for me, I have learned embracing the moment instead of fighting it seems to make it easier the next time that memory rears its ugly head.